By Brittney

This literally JUST happened to me, so excuse any lack of cohesive narrative. I have to tell this story while it’s fresh in my mind and I’m still in a state of disbelief so as to get every genuine reaction that I’ve felt tonight.

I work at a video store. To those of you that are asking: “Those still exist?”, yes, they do and I work in one. Sit down, shut up and listen.

A lot of strange things happen in the video store. I’ve been working there on and off for about a year, and I’d thought I’d seen a lot of what goes on: stolen videos, mismatched movie cases, irate customers who lie about whether or not they turned in their movies on time (the computer does not lie, people. It simply does not lie.), damaged items with questionable rental histories, etc.

I was wrong. Tonight has to have been one of the most fucked up nights I’ve ever had.

Steph, Genna, and I were minding the store tonight at around 11pm, when Steph was putting out some movies and heard strange sounds coming from our “back room” (read as: porn area). She came back to tell Genna and I about what she’d heard and Genna went to investigate. She returned with a skinny black dude, holding a video and told us a tale that was as ridiculous as it was hilarious.

Apparently, she found this kid, who was now standing in front of us, nervous as hell, in the back biting the security pins out of our DVD cases to steal the porn. She found a bunch of busted up, empty cases and chewed on pins and caught the kid in the act of biting at the pin of the movie she took from him.

Found: A shit-ton of these, bitten and empty.

Now, every summer, it seems, we find a ton of broken, empty cases and stolen movies, but this was the first time we’d actually caught someone in the act, much less caught someone who came quietly up to the front of the store and had been biting the pins out. With his teeth. Steph, Genna and I looked at each other and gaped at our porn thief, who was still standing there, and informed him that we’d have to call the police. He stood quietly with a blank stare on his face, sweating profusely. As soon as Steph picked up the phone, however, homeboy took off running. Genna started to chase after him, but I yelled at her to let him go…obviously this guy was both crazy and desperate and there’s no telling what a pin-biting porn thief would do while being chased or detained by someone smaller and infinitely less stupid than he.

The cops showed up as we were calling our managers and the other nearby branches to let them know what had happened, and we got the dubious pleasure of showing Shorewood and Joliet’s finest what movies were missing, as well as the movie our thief had left behind.

This is where it gets even more hilariously awkward. The titles stolen included gems such as (and my memory’s not perfect on these titles, but you’ll get the gist):

  • Buttwoman Returns
  • Awesomely Anal
  • Top Heavy Sluts
  • Big Booty Bitches #7
  • Cum in 60 Seconds or Less

And the movie left behind (and this is the actual title) was:

  • Jon and Kate Fuck Eight…A Parody

We and the police got a real kick out of this while they were dusting for prints and taking DNA samples…because this idiot had to have been drooling all over the cases in order to get the security pins out. The cops got a ton of good fingerprints and I hope that they catch this kid. They did, however, give me full license to dive-tackle the kid if he’s ever stupid enough to come back to our store…I eagerly await the day. I’m gonna bring some nunchaku and pepper spray to store behind the counter.

I’m just waiting for your bitch-ass.

My mind is just boggled at the idiocy of this kid. If I ever got to talk to him again, after I dive-tackled him and maced the shit out of him, this is what I would say:

What the ever-loving hell? First of all, why the hell are you stealing porn from a video store? The interwebs is full of pr0n that is free for the taking! What is wrong with you?! And I’m sure your booty fetishist ass can find more than enough bodacious babes online…just Google “ass” with SafeSearch OFF.

Second of all, if you’re going to steal porn from our store, please, for the love of God and all that is sanitary, DON’T BITE THE CASES! Do you have any idea how much powdered semen is probably all over that stuff? Do you enjoy the taste of another man’s baby gravy? You nasty…just all KINDS of nasty. Nasty ass nasty. Just foul, yo. That is just disgusting. Use a goddamn screwdriver or something.

Third, Jon and Kate Fuck Eight? Really, though? Really? I will never look at TLC the same way again.

Fourth, why didn’t you run in the first place? Why’d you stand there and let us all get a really good look at you? If it came down to it, we could even pull the records of the people who rented from the store during that period of time and they could identify you.

Finally, you’re an idiot. And you kind of made my night. But really, don’t come back. Like, ever.

The moral of this story is: Don’t steal porn from video rental chain stores. Just go online. It’s cheap, easy and fast. For those of you in search of NSFW fun that doesn’t involve paying or stealing from your local video rental chain, here’s a few websites that you can go to for good, dirty fun:

And since this guy just really loves the booty, here’s a clip of a man who appreciates a fine derrière just as much as Bitey McPornFace:

P.S. If you live in the Plainfield/Shorewood/Joliet, IL area, this guy was black, about 5’10”, maybe about 150lbs, 16-18 years old and last seen in a red graphic tee and black baggy jeans. Last spotted sprinting like a thoroughbred horse (or possibly just a black man outrunning the cops…take your pick) south on Route 59. Ugly bastard, too.